Women, Femmes & non-binary siblings- unite and praise the fuck out of each other.- a note on praise hijacking

Hey men & masculine privileged people,
We need to have a little chat about the way you treat women, femmes & non-binary people's work* & how you co opt our praise.
I'm so tired of trying to talk about the amazing work women & gender oppressed people are doing only to have one of you interrupt me to say 'Yeah (name) AND ME do work really hard'. Or
'I did (project) too/in a different place' (You're not fooling anyone with that). We get it, you want recognition. Everyone deserves recognition. Everyone deserves to have their effort rewarded but not everyone needs it, right now, this instant- from me. The reason I go put of my way to praise women, femmes & non-binary people is that the work they do is devalued in the big bad patriarchal world. Yours isn't (at least in this space).


It may be that you only have masculine privilege in this setting for a couple of hours once a month. It may be that the rest of the time you don't feel you hold power in the same way. I understand that you may want to flex the ol' privilege muscles whilst you can but that action isn't necessary or fair. When you tear down, intercept or manipulate the praise or recognition of someone else what you're doing is being complicit in gender oppression. Yes, you can experience oppression on the basis of your gender AND perpetuate someone else's gender oppression too. The truth is that there's actually no shortage of praise to go around & there are more appropriate ways to receive it than hijacking someone else's. So I've put some tips together as a loose guide to not hijacking praise off those of us who trying to support each other.

1. When you feel like you want praise from people in your life in general take these three steps
- Consider
Consider what you have done that you feel deserves praise. Is it something specific? Is it a project? Who does the project serve? Are any of those people around? Have you done the bare minimum? Have you piggybacked someone else's achievement? Did someone else facilitate you doing the work with reminders or resources?
- Critique
Think critically about your need for praise. Is it coming from a place of privilege? Is it a feeling you can placate by working on your own self esteem? Do you definitely need these people to praise this achievement?
- Communicate
When you feel like you deserve or desire more praise for a task, project or achievement try actually just asking for it. Then the person you're talking to isn't trying to interpret meaning from your words. It saves them time and you effort. It's less coercive than just leading them down the path of your ego & guilting them into ringing the bell.
E.g. 'Hey I did this thing, I feel really proud of myself, but I'm feeling insecure, can you tell me that I did well?'

2. Be willing to accept the fact that women, femmes & non-binary people may not want to praise you.
It takes a lot of work to exist in a world where your achievements are underrated & ignored. Being bullied into praising someone whose achievements DO get recognised definitely makes me feel resentful. Learning to take 'no' or 'not right now' as an answer helps everyone. The more we accept a 'no', the more women & gender oppressed people feel confident saying no, the more energy we can all put into performing crucial labour when we want to. No isn't a dirty word, it's one that helps us demonstrate our boundaries.

3. Practise praising yourself
I like to make pictures and give them to myself as a reward. E.g. 'Getting through a shit day' crown. I am rewarding myself for doing a thing. I can post it online and talk about doing the thing. Then my friends can respond if they feel like it by celebrating my achievement with me instead of feeling like they have to praise me & support me.
Try looking in the mirror & thinking 5 things you have achieved (not appearance based). Acknowledge them, praise them.
Be a friend to yourself. Service your own self esteem.

4. Seek out & celebrate
In a society where women, femmes & non-binary people's work is ignored, overlooked & devalued it can be quite easy for masculine privileged people to pretend we don't do any work. You can't expect the people doing work from any oppressed group to just pop up shining like a brilliant example for you to praise. Seek out the work of working class non binary people making poetry, disabled femmes running support groups, black women lifting up creative communities, trans women of colour leading resistance, fat femmes organising in their workplace, lesbian artists etc. Ask questions about people's art, tell people how and why you appreciate their work, let them know you understand when their work isn't meant for you.
Praise is not a one way street. It's an exchange.

5.  Understand us
When you see women holding each other up, or femmes praising femmes or non-binary people shouting and cheering for each other- think about why. Think about why we have created support networks, why we send each other care packages or help each other out. You might find that if we don't do it no one else will.

I'm sure in spaces where masculine privileged people interact in masculine communication styles there's a different attitude towards support. A different attitude towards praise. Maybe it's a scarcity? (I genuinely don't know)Maybe you see us praising one another and think 'I want that'. If that's the case then it's 100% legitimate to create friendship groups and foster nice political communities where that exists for you. Doing so is helpful emotional labour for yourself and others. These dynamics are precious & important to us, they are how we survive & that's why we build them & why you can't snatch them away.

In love & solidarity,
K.x





* Work in this sense is the broadest most inclusive meaning of the word. Paid, unpaid, academic, emotional, domestic, political, support, social, self, community, friendship, relationship, voluntary, creative, organising, self care. Literally any action taken by people to further the wellbeing, progress, survival, existence, thriving, or expression of themselves, their community, their friends,  partners, their family, their comrades, strangers or acquaintances.

# 1 things you thought would be different in the queer community that aren't - Productivity

  Like many people with mental health problems, disabilities & addictions & regressions I live in fear of someone asking me THAT question
'What have you been up to?'
1. Because they are usually only asking this so they can tell me about their new job/house/other thing that garners them 'productive human' privilege in painful, smug, insensitive detail.
2. Because when I answer honestly 'Nothing' it seems to unsettle them.
3. Because what I have been up to is eating nutella out the jar, crying & harboring resentment towards everyone in the world who doesn't feel as shit as I do.

I've not been writing. (In fact I've not been writing, working, smiling, exercising, socializing or any other verbs that are expected of me).

I've not been writing for a while now. Not writing poetry, not writing job applications, not writing much of anything. In university my favorite tutor once told me that writer's block was just ego. As if your particular words are so precious that you can only pour them out over a page when they have crystallized into a literary masterpiece. Get over yourself, learn some humility, develop drafts. But I don't have writer's block, not least because (like that tutor) I don't believe in it.

 I have life block.

I have life block & I can't talk about it to people within the wider queer scene because our dominant ideas about mental health center around palatable, imagined try-hard-activists-who-somehow-manage-to-struggle-through-their-problems-to-contribute-in-a-meaningful-way. And I am not contributing to shit. I am regressing & retreating  & relapsing into behaviors I used to need cushion myself from immediate dangers I don't even experience any more. I am breaking. Every aspect of my life seems to some how be on the verge of complete failure, I am in a grey area of my own inability to human, And if I'm honest it's fucking sad & boring  enough without feeling like I need to create a long list of imaginary shit I've been up to.

Source-http://www.landeeseelandeedo.com

The thing I've noticed most by my newly found desire to spend all day alone in my bedroom crying is this; productivity as a superior trait is not a concept that is challenged enough. And that little question 'What have you been up to?' eats into me, sets my brain desperately searching for a truthful response because I don't want to lie to you when you ask me. But given that you just spent ten minutes explaining how busy you've been (and leaving spaces for me to make impressed noises) I kinda need to. I know this because when I don't I see a flicker in your eyes that tells me it's not only that I'm not contributing to the conversation, I'm not contributing to the community. And that you think that makes me (get ready for some oppressive nonsense) 'Lazy'. Surely I have Things To Do? Surely I have Ways To Be Productive?

The fact of the matter is; this bullshit around productivity is capitalist, lifestyleist cuntery. And I've let it make me feel bad for too long. So I've stopped engaging in circles where capital is awarded to the people running the most zine making, lesbian knitting, yogurt weaving, beard recycling, vegan whittling, post grad smoking, guitar protesting workshops/marches/petitions/meetings.

 I'm not even mad, kids, I'm just opting out of this verbal wankathon of Judith Butler/<insert relevant event>, I'm just sitting this one out. 

It's not that I have no desire to do anything, it's that the big tasks in my life are so big that every time I think I might go for a walk or write a letter or take a shower my brain says 'Hey, what about all these things you should be working on/obsessing over?'

And here we come to my main point of writing this. I have decided that I'm stepping out of this unacknowledged privileging of productivity (in queer spaces particularly). And instead of meeting, and advising, and workshoping I'm going to give myself permission to do nothing. And I'm going to do nothing until I feel like trying another verb; healing (whatever the fuck that means).

I've lost count of the amount of times I've been knocked off my feet by wave upon wave of regression & relapse & I know I'm not the only one who is struggling to stand up and dust myself off to try again. I think those of us who experience life block, whose lives fold in on themselves every few months or years (who suddenly find themselves unable to leave the house or answer their emails or speak to family or friends, or go to work, or eat properly or wash or get dressed, those of us whose parents don't financially pick up & put us back on our feet, those of us whose conditions aren't curable) need to take time to recognize that our mental health problems, our day to day struggles aren't what most people are talking about when they are discussing mental health. Because recovery for us isn't a story ark, it's us bracing ourselves against the storm long enough to try and function (whatever the fuck that means to us) for a short while.

If you know that you, like me, fear that horrible question, and other variations of it (no, I don't know where my 'career' is going, and I don't want to hear about yours, thanks) let's make a pact. Let's decide instead to ask each other about how we feel (and genuinely care about the answer in a non-condescending manner), congratulate each other on getting out of bed, high five over surviving life thus far, even if we have gotten here in week old pyjamas with stains on them  and our friends/family/partners have become repulsed by our endless ability to fuck up and freak out.

 Even if we've not written anything for a while.  

Art and Activism

An interview with Codie Austin.

What role do you think art can play in activism?

Art can play a monumental role in activism. The classic question is whether art imitates life or life imitates art and art that commemorates political struggle reminds activists that there are things to be won, and can give you hope.

Art in itself will never be the revolution, but the idea that one day, children will read poetry, look at paintings and watch films about the occupation of Palestine, the kyriarchal oppression, the destruction and heartache of capitalism, as something of the past is some days all that keeps me going.

Without radical politics and an intersectional understanding of oppression, art is meaningless as a political tool. But sometimes, good politics and art cross one another's path and for a second rather than a record, art encapsulates our struggle and becomes a force for change within itself.

When I create a picture it helps me communicate things without having to engage with an oppressive dialogue. People might see the picture, they might disagree, but the image remains whole and the sentiment behind it is unchanged.

When I edit propaganda or images made by others, I think of it as found art. It helps me re-write problematic assertions.

Is there a specific piece of activist art that you think was particularly successful?

Frida Kahlo's art was exquisite, her work is so often reduced to her self portraits and some work around her fertility but every piece of hers is radical because she was radical. Her self portraits are unapologetic in the face of normative beauty standards, her depictions of Mexican culture show us her unique experience and the suffering of her people. She has a piece on Marxism ending the suffering of the sick and the first time I saw it, it was like a secret she had shared with just me.

How to be an ally to working class people

Sexy Sunday, Sex Positive Profiles- Codiekinz

1. Name-
Codiekinz
2. Occupation-
Talent booker at a kids casting agency, human rights activist & Eminem tribute act.
3. How do you self define-
Cis gendered, generally bisexual.
4. What does the word sex mean to you?-
The word sex has changed in meaning over the past few years. But now? It means a physical representation of love, it means fun and adventure and safety and enjoyment.
5. What does the sex positive movement mean to you?-
I've always been made to feel like a "slut". That sex isn't okay to talk and joke about and being open about experiences, good and bad is wrong. Being sex positive means feeling like talking about it is okay. Education is the key to enjoying sex. If you know how to do things safely, & positively, sex is gonna be way better. I promise.
6.
Sweet or savoury- biggest sweet tooth ever.
Book or film- book book book!
Rainbow or glitter- glittery rainbows!
Unicorns or dinasours- Unisaurs. I'm wearing a dinosaur onesie right now.
The Smiths or The Clash- The Cure! ;)
Lights on or off- on! I like to remember how attractive my boyfriend is, so lights on! :)
Candles or fairy lights- fairy lights!
Cuddles or love letters- Both! Please!
Porn or erotic literature- For a quick fix, porn can be good, but for a slow burner, a well written erotic novel is best.
Online dating or set ups- Neither have ever worked for me. I tend to fall into relationships :)
Cats or dogs- CATS!!!
Spongebob or tigger- T-I-double g-er!
7. What's your favourite sex posi resource?-
Sexplanations on YouTube. Dr Doe is an incredible person! So friendly and like able and knowledgeable. She makes everything seem okay, no judgement.
8. Your perfect date?-
A scavenger hunt maybe! Around a city at night ending with a picnic. Or a Maccys. A date should be about the person you're with, so the place and price shouldn't matter so much :)
9. What was your sex ed like in school? Good points/bad points? Marks out of 10?-
So i moved schools in year 5. The school I left taught sex Ed in year 6 and the school I joined had had it in year 4. So I missed it. We did however go on a London trip, to the natural history museum. Were given a worksheet about reproduction and has to find the answers in the exhibition. Lazy!
10. What's your wildest sexual experience?-
A threesome. In my ex boyfriends house. He wasn't there.

11. At what age did you start masturbating?-
I think I was super young. I don't even remember starting, I guess I just always have.
12. What are your political views?-
I'm  a hippy. I guess I'm pretty left wing.
13. Who is your sex idol?-
Dr Doe. And Dita Von Tease. And my boyfriend :)
14.
Love to- kiss!
Sometimes will- fart during sex. And giggle.
Uncomfortable with- people who won't take no for an answer.
15. What is your sex motto?-
Don't ever feel like you have to. You are not obliged to give anyone sex. Not a partner. Not a stranger. Just have fun with the person you want. Provided they want to too!
16. What is your true passion in life?-
I would say people, like Xander. But to avoid repetition I say art & words. & poetry & controversy. 
17. You send one sex positive message out into the word in 7 words, what is it?-
Don't believe the hype, make it yours.
18. Do you believe everyone has a kink?-
I do think so. And if you don't have one yet, enjoy finding it!
19. How do you define you relationship status at the moment?-
Very much in love, with my best friend.
20. Where can we see more of you?-
Www.needsmorezombies.tumblr.com
@codiekinz

(If you're sex positive and would like to be featured please get in touch via facebook, by commenting on this post or by emailing me- pipgeorgeson@gmail.com)

(Belated) Sexy Sunday- Sex Positive Profile- Xander Prestage

1. Name- Xander Prestage

2. Occupation- Student

3. How do you self-define?-
Queer, PanHomoAsexyMess

4. What does the word sex mean to you?-
Straight in at the deep end! For me sex is a connection shared between people, using their bodies. I like to keep the whole concept as loose and fluid as I can because each time I have sex it is so individual and unique.

5. What does the sex positive movement mean to you?-
Being sex positive, for me, means not being shamed into silence. It means promoting a healthy discourse between partners, parents, children and friends, refusing to acknowledge that sex happens and the massively diverse range of emotions and consequences it brings to people's lives is a mistake.

6. Quick Fire
Sweet or savoury-I'm a starters kind of guy, savoury.
Book or film-BOOK!
Rainbow or glitter-Tasteful Rainbow.
Unicorns or dinasours-Dinosaurs, I think.
The Smiths or The Clash-Emotions vs Angst? Ahhh can't choose.
Lights on or off-Mood lights, fuck yeah.
Candles or fairy lights-Fairy lights, round the headboard (see above ;) )
Cuddles or love letters-Cuddles
Porn or literotica-oooooh, morally and politically erotica, realistically - 'good' porn
Online dating or set ups-Set me up!
Cats or dogs-Not even a competition, caaats
Spongebob or tigger-Tigger, just for the tail.

7. What's your favourite sex posi resource?- My favourite resource has to be Laci Green's YouTube channel. She presents a range of issues in a really well delivered way. I see her channel as a gateway to sex positive resources. My favourite video of hers is probably her discussion of virginity as a social construct.

8. Your perfect date? (If money were no object)-
Mine is cheap as chips anyway! Never mind the money. It has to be a night round an open fire in the woods, blankets and all the other relevant panoply. Then adjourning into a canvas tent for cuddles.

9. What was your sex ed like in school? Good points/bad points? Marks out of 10?-
Ha! Urm, all I can remember is drawing penises and labeling them, although we did one interesting, if nothing else, activity - washing line up, classmates take it in turns to place gestures or friendship/relationship on the washing line with stranger at one end and life partner at the other. Then have the class break out laughing when handjobs gets put closer to the stranger end than shaking hands... sadly it wasn't so and I shook far more hands than I got handjobs throughout my school career. 4/10

10. What's your wildest sexual experience?-
Threesome happened, MMM. WILD NIGHT.

11. At what age did you start masturbating?-
Urrrrrm, I was a late bloomer and this actually was a pretty big source of anxiety for me. I didn't hit puberty whilst other guys had to shave daily. 15?

12. What are your political views?-
Anarcho-Socialist sort of thing.

13. Who is your sex idol?-
Hmmm, Jake Bass - Porn Star. Get's to know his scene partners for a couple of days, is always safe, bit of an alternative look with the tattoos and plugs, and the gifs on tumblr...

14.
Love to-Aggressivley kiss.
Sometimes will- Rim.
Uncomfortable with- Fisting.

15. What is your sex motto?-
I don't know if I have one set in stone really, I just like to enjoy myself. If you can't laugh about the sex you are having you probably aren't ready to be having it.

16. What is your true passion in life?-
People, I love people. As cliche and vapid as it sounds. I study linguistics and I love the Sociolinguistics, the study of language and society does stuff to me. If you can talk good language and gender theory you may as well kiss me now.

17. You send one sex positive message out into the word in 7 words, what is it?-
"Porn is not a healthy representation of sex"

18. Do you believe everyone has a kink? If so what's yours?-
I don't really know to be honest, I'm pretty vanilla. I like a bit of biting and gentle scratching, although have had some more vigorous experiences (not complaining at all!). Also, showersex; yes please.

19. How do you define you relationship status at the moment?-
Hmmmm, a monogamous work in progress? It's a really hard one to define for me.

20. Where can we see more of you?-
Tumblaaaar: http://praevaleo.tumblr.com/
Twitter:
@greyjoydivision

(I'm hoping to run a sex positive profile each Sunday to give sex positive activists a chance to talk about themselves and offer networking opportunities and have fun with nice people.