What would your sex map look like?

Newsflash- diverse language to describe sexual preferences isn't limited to the queer community. Who'd have thought it?! Well, a lot of people actually.

In the world of queer I'm used to the discourse of sex. We have a wide and ever expanding set of terms we used to specicfy, negotiate and demonstrate how, who, why, where, what. (E.g. stone femme, stone butch, top, bottom, switch, pillow queen, spaghetti, barebacking, scissoring, rimming and on and on).

And why do we have this jargon? Well it's because we understand that sex isn't simply a do or don't. There's no formula, no plan, no rules to how someone can experience pleasure. The language is amazing and serves a really important purpose. Through it we can understand our friends, ourselves and our sexual partners' needs, wants and boundaries.

But is there a better way to communicate this? Would a diagram help? A nice little up front visual representation of the 'want will won't' system? A sex map!?

In an interview with Seattle Psychology Allena Gabosch stated that human sexuality is a 'globe'. That really struck me, it's an excellent metaphor. And it means we can all 'explore' (if we wish) the varied lands of sexuality, sexual preference and fetish/kink.

I didn't really think about this much more until I noticed (on a few OK Cupid profiles) links to a particular website where you can map your experiences, desires and boundaries. People had theirs right out there for prospective dates to see. And though obviously, open communication between sexual partners will never be replaced, the kink map could prosper where ego and sexual shame prevents communication.

Now, this version definitely isn't perfect. It only details kink and some of the acts it has on it are pretty gimmicky. And some I'd never heard of, for instance 'the jelly donut'. But it's a start. I'd love to see a version of this that takes into account not only fetish, but sexuality and relationships. There are some things I think shouldn't be on the map too, for instance the island of non-consent? (I'm not talking about agreeing to forgo consent and having a safe word). Non-consent isn't sex for any person involved.

That aside, the concept of the Human Sex Map is excellent. And it really demonstrates how diverse sexuality and sexual preference is. But would you be willing make yours public?

(If you have any queries, suggestions or funny pictures of cats please get in touch via facebook or by emailing me pipgeorgeson@gmail.com)

(Belated) Sexy Sunday- Sex Positive Profile- Xander Prestage

1. Name- Xander Prestage

2. Occupation- Student

3. How do you self-define?-
Queer, PanHomoAsexyMess

4. What does the word sex mean to you?-
Straight in at the deep end! For me sex is a connection shared between people, using their bodies. I like to keep the whole concept as loose and fluid as I can because each time I have sex it is so individual and unique.

5. What does the sex positive movement mean to you?-
Being sex positive, for me, means not being shamed into silence. It means promoting a healthy discourse between partners, parents, children and friends, refusing to acknowledge that sex happens and the massively diverse range of emotions and consequences it brings to people's lives is a mistake.

6. Quick Fire
Sweet or savoury-I'm a starters kind of guy, savoury.
Book or film-BOOK!
Rainbow or glitter-Tasteful Rainbow.
Unicorns or dinasours-Dinosaurs, I think.
The Smiths or The Clash-Emotions vs Angst? Ahhh can't choose.
Lights on or off-Mood lights, fuck yeah.
Candles or fairy lights-Fairy lights, round the headboard (see above ;) )
Cuddles or love letters-Cuddles
Porn or literotica-oooooh, morally and politically erotica, realistically - 'good' porn
Online dating or set ups-Set me up!
Cats or dogs-Not even a competition, caaats
Spongebob or tigger-Tigger, just for the tail.

7. What's your favourite sex posi resource?- My favourite resource has to be Laci Green's YouTube channel. She presents a range of issues in a really well delivered way. I see her channel as a gateway to sex positive resources. My favourite video of hers is probably her discussion of virginity as a social construct.

8. Your perfect date? (If money were no object)-
Mine is cheap as chips anyway! Never mind the money. It has to be a night round an open fire in the woods, blankets and all the other relevant panoply. Then adjourning into a canvas tent for cuddles.

9. What was your sex ed like in school? Good points/bad points? Marks out of 10?-
Ha! Urm, all I can remember is drawing penises and labeling them, although we did one interesting, if nothing else, activity - washing line up, classmates take it in turns to place gestures or friendship/relationship on the washing line with stranger at one end and life partner at the other. Then have the class break out laughing when handjobs gets put closer to the stranger end than shaking hands... sadly it wasn't so and I shook far more hands than I got handjobs throughout my school career. 4/10

10. What's your wildest sexual experience?-
Threesome happened, MMM. WILD NIGHT.

11. At what age did you start masturbating?-
Urrrrrm, I was a late bloomer and this actually was a pretty big source of anxiety for me. I didn't hit puberty whilst other guys had to shave daily. 15?

12. What are your political views?-
Anarcho-Socialist sort of thing.

13. Who is your sex idol?-
Hmmm, Jake Bass - Porn Star. Get's to know his scene partners for a couple of days, is always safe, bit of an alternative look with the tattoos and plugs, and the gifs on tumblr...

14.
Love to-Aggressivley kiss.
Sometimes will- Rim.
Uncomfortable with- Fisting.

15. What is your sex motto?-
I don't know if I have one set in stone really, I just like to enjoy myself. If you can't laugh about the sex you are having you probably aren't ready to be having it.

16. What is your true passion in life?-
People, I love people. As cliche and vapid as it sounds. I study linguistics and I love the Sociolinguistics, the study of language and society does stuff to me. If you can talk good language and gender theory you may as well kiss me now.

17. You send one sex positive message out into the word in 7 words, what is it?-
"Porn is not a healthy representation of sex"

18. Do you believe everyone has a kink? If so what's yours?-
I don't really know to be honest, I'm pretty vanilla. I like a bit of biting and gentle scratching, although have had some more vigorous experiences (not complaining at all!). Also, showersex; yes please.

19. How do you define you relationship status at the moment?-
Hmmmm, a monogamous work in progress? It's a really hard one to define for me.

20. Where can we see more of you?-
Tumblaaaar: http://praevaleo.tumblr.com/
Twitter:
@greyjoydivision

(I'm hoping to run a sex positive profile each Sunday to give sex positive activists a chance to talk about themselves and offer networking opportunities and have fun with nice people.

LGBT News in the last 7 days

So I'm trying out a few different ideas on here this week. One of them is a round-up of news on certain topics from the last seven days. Let me know what you think; do you like this format? Would you prefer more insight into the stories? Have I missed any news you think should be here? You can either contact me on facebook, comment on this blog or email me pipgeorgeson@gmail.com.

1. Section 28 Returns in Academies
It emerges this week that several academies have retained or adopted policy to 'ban the prommotion of homosexuality in classrooms' in the style of Section 28. The '80s called- they want their regressive legislation back.

2. Athletes Kiss in Protest to Russia's Anti-LGBT Law
Yeah, fuck you, Putin.

3. People in Northern Ireland join activists around the world in protesting Russia's law

4. and the Miss World host quits over it, too.

5. Radio host thinks 'The Gays' and their insistence on human rights is oppressive.
I fully believe that with a bottle of this woman's tears, the rainbow flag and the right incantation; I could summon an army of Aggressive Homosexuals.

6. The Mysterious Case of Nikoli Alekseev
The facebook account of a prominent LGBT activist in Russia was vanished after some uncharacteristic statuses and some strange and worring pictures were posted on it.

7. (Massive trigger warning for transphobia and violence) A Russian transwoman is stripped and beaten in public.
Horrific story, horrific incident, beware that images are included in this article.

8. Queerfest in Canada
Looks pretty awesome. The article has a comment section at the bottom with one phobic contribution. Sigh.

9.Puerto Rico takes steps forward in LGBT inclusion
You Go Glen CoCo.

10. Gay Porn company to give all profits to help the LGBT community
Yay!

Sexy Sunday- Communication and Negotiation Resources for Sex & BDSM.

So lately I've been thinking about sex and BDSM and why the two are so massively misrepresented in the mainstream media. Sex is either not spoken about or taken as something to be 'performed well'. Kink and BDSM get a worse deal, either being represented as something only engaged in by people who are in some way emotionally unhealthy (show me a person who is wholly emotionally healthy? Like, come on!) or worse yet, it's depicted as a '50 Shades of Grey' nightmare. Don't get me wrong, I understand that dubious consent is A Thing in kink erotic literature, where we have the narrative view of each characters' secret desires (still problematic in cases), but that's not BDSM.

Anyhoo, what seems to be missing in the dialogue on sex is the idea of negotiation. (Sex isn't just going to be perfect and awesome the first time without any verbal communication.) And what the kink and sex positive community do really well is; communicate and negotiate.

When I talk about negotiation I don't mean 'How can I get my partner(s) to do a thing they hate?'. I mean outlining and navigating a space where all those participating feel comfortable enough to engage and recognising that this space isn't a permenant fixture. One of the greatest things a person can do for themselves is recognise that sexuality, and sexual tastes can change. Right now you might be a lesbian sadist. If these factors shift or your boundaries move in the next however-many-years-you-live don't be too hard on yourself.

So, today, from the comfort of my bed, whilst wearing possibley the least sexy item ever (a onsie) I'm bringing you some resources. All I ask is that you give them a chance. You may not feel BDSM is relevant to you, and it might not be, but the skills of negotiation and communication are necessary for everyone.
Happy Sunday.

1. The Sex Positive Movement
(A series of videos from Seattle Psychology with the director of Seattle's Center for Sex Positive Culture. There are about seven at 10 minutes(ish) each.) These videos are important, they detail that sex positivity isn't about always being all 'Yay for sex!!' but that it's about understanding. And that sexual shame is not conducive to building healthy relationships with people or sex/kink.

2. Five Golden Rules for BDSM *TW* abuse
(Video less that 10 minutes) Laci Green discusses the difference between BDSM and abuse and outlines five rules that are pretty useful for any activity that requires intimacy or sex.

3. A System for Negotiating Sexual Boundaries
(A video less than 5 minutes) from Sexplanations that details how to negotiate and outines a system for communicating boundaries and interests.

4. Rules and Boundaries
(A short article) on things to be learnt from the sex positive community. This article isn't just about sex but also physical contact and affection with friends. It's only downfall is the continued use of the word 'girls'.

5. Negotiating Sex- Why not to keep quiet
(Video, about 5 minutes) I only found these two recently, but they're brilliant. They answer questions and dispell myths and talk about sex really openly. In this video they talk about the sensitive nature of negotiating sex and how one of them once suffered in silence because of fear of doing so.

Resources- supporting the trans* community.

Download this powerpoint for free.

Guest Blog- Alex Prestage's Statement on Sexism at the Womens Ambassador's Solidarity Address

Conference,

I hate that I have to address this, however I feel I cannot leave it unsaid:

This afternoon [20th April] I witnessed the derailing of the Women’s Ambassador’s Solidarity address. This derailing came in the way of foregrounding “men’s issues” in a space specifically designated for those who do not define as women to hear about issues pertaining to the Women’s Campaign. The address by was an opportunity for allies to present themselves and to show our solidarity with women’s liberation. In the ensuing aftermath of the address there was little solidarity to be seen.

Jo Johnson gave us, those that do not define as women, a chance to co-operate and reach a greater level of understanding of the oppression that Women face; in day to day life, and apparently at conference. Instead patriarchy struck again.

After presumably listening to the address, covering the basics of feminist principles, and the floor was opened to questions the men in the room continued to side-line women’s liberation. Rather than discuss key issues of Rape Culture and slut shaming we heard about men’s struggle with HIV and the Blood Ban – each already discussed on conference floor that very day, and each not specific to men. It was the silencing of women’s issues that, as a feminist – ally or not – infuriated me, the persistent whining about “Men’s Caucus” despite being given a position on the matter, the aggressive nature and tone of some of the questions, the gang-like mentality a few of the audience adopted truly fucking sickened me.

The knowing, or unknowing sabotage of the address demeaned and undermined Women’s continuing struggle to fight sexism and oppression by the hands of a Patriarchal society. The attendance of the address was disappointing in itself – it should not be left to a few Feminist Allies to aide and support Women in their liberation, and conference I assure you there were Allies present. However, their efforts were drowned in a sea of misbegotten “oppression”. I would like to thank the allies present; as I am sure the women’s campaign would also, it would be wrong to not recognise their efforts.

I will leave you with one final message:

Gentlemen, check your fucking privilege.