5 problems with sex positivity

Although I am a sex positive activist, I don't believe subscribing to any tradition, political perspective or community, uncritically, is a good idea. The problems outlined below are things I've encountered in spaces that aren't explicitly feminist. But they are important, and they do matter.

1. Men dominating conversations on women's sexuality and bodies
I've found that in a spaces that aren't feminist the oppressive power dynamics found in any other place are reitterated and validated in discussions. The discussion is usually male centered, binarist, cissexist, heteronormative, etc. Some men use sex positivity and the discourse of 'preference' as a cloak to excuse their patriarchal generalisations. E.g. 'body hair (on women) is revolting'. Sex positivity should be about challenging patriarchal notions and normative, oppressive ideas about sexuality, and it saddens me that some men are accessing sex positive spaces to do the opposite.

Benjamin Rush, Carl Von Linné, Julien Offray de la Mettrie, Sylvester Graham, Richard Von Kraft-Ebing, John H Kellog, Sigmund Freud, Alfred Kinsey, Claudius Galerius, Samuel Tissoflt- the discourse on human sexuality has been dictated by white men, some making progressive arguments, some scientific and some oppressive, but all men. Most people in the world are not white men. And our sex positive spaces should endevour to not silence those who aren't, otherwise it's just the same old shit, under a different name.

2. Shallow analysis of the roots of sex negativity
Sex is political, just like anything else. Sexual behaviour has been policed, villianised, or encouraged thoughout history depending on the political climate. There's definitely positives in addressing the symptom (the experience of sexual shame and repression) but the discussuon of the cause is important for true progression. Sex positivity in relation to capitalism, sex positivity in relation to disability, to patriarchy, to the nuclear family? These  dialogues are missing. Sex positivity cannot simply be a tool for self validation alone, but for ensuring we can break the the cycle of sexual repression.

3. Pressumptions
I believe a sex positive space should be one in which people aren't subjected to others making tired presumptions about gender, sexuality, or experience of sexual desire. When writing about sex positivity leads to relative strangers (all men) contacting me pressuming that I want to have sex with them, this reinforces the idea that a woman discussing the politics of sex is a 'cert'. No, I don't want a photograph of your sex organs. Thank you. No, talking about sex doesn't automatically mean I experience a high sex drive, or that I want to answer questions about my sexual behaviour. Thank you. No, talking about sex doesn't mean that I'm heterosexual. This dialogue is not another tool to service male pleasure, it's a tool to challenge the assumptions, not reinforce them.

4. Slighlty missing the point
Sex positivity is not about uncritically claiming that all sex is great.
a)Sex is not always positive
b)and it's not essential for everyone.
Many people have a strained relationship with sex, and their own body, they may have sexual triggers or have survived sexual abuse or rape. The sex positive movement cannot make progression if we simply plaster over the fact that sex can be a negative experience and a tool of oppression. We are failing at communicating the true purpose of sex positivity if we exclude people with sexual triggers. It's not about saying 'woohoo, sex is always fabulous' it's about recognising that human sexuality is diverse, complicated and often an emotive topic. It's about saying that there is no 'wrong' way for a person to express their sexuality, or asexuality. We shouldn't be silencing survivors of sexual abuse, we should be shaming institutions that normalise it, we should be discussing consent.

People may choose not to engage in erotic behaviour and still lead rich, fulfilling lives. Sex positivity should not be about interveining to educate people who choose not to have sex, to tell them what they're missing. Sex positivity should not be about forcing people to discuss their own sexual behaviour if they don't want to, or pressuming that those who don't are victims of sexual shame.

5. Body negativity
I cannot count the number of times I've seen or partaken in discussions that transcend into body negativity. Why? Because although it's essential that sex positivity and body positivity are linked, someone forgot to put that on the group email, or the general memo. Fatshaming, thinshaming, disability shaming, normative beauty standards, body policing= not sex positive. Body positivity absolutely has to be a part of this movement because if not, then we're saying 'you only deserve sex positivity if you fit these narrow critera'. Expressions of sexuality are not hierarchical, hopefully most people realise that penetrative sex is not the Golden Chalice of erotic acts? Body types and appearences should also be discussed in a non-judgemental, non-heirarchical manner, too. Otherwise we are  shaming the tool used for the expression of human sexuality, and therefore we are encouraging sexual shame.

Conclusion? My sex positivity will be feminist, intersectional, self-critical, LGBTQ inclusive, disability positive, and radical, or it will be bullshit.

Got a question about this post or about gender, sexuality or relationships? Ask it anonymously at- http://ask.fm/SPAnswersquestions and have it reviewed and answered by a team of fabulous people.

Sexy Politics answers your questions

What is SPAnswers?
Sexy Politics Answers is a new project I'm launching to offer people the opportunity to ask questions of people with a range of experiences, opinions, ideas and solutions. From 'how do I tell my partner about my sexual health status?' to 'how does class interact with sexual dynamic?' and everything inbetween and beyond.
Did you ever have a question that you felt you couldn't ask friends, family or partners? Ever wonder if everybody does that thing or how you can find people who enjoy it? The time for those questions, dear friends, is now.

How can I ask a question?
You can ask a question here- http://ask.fm/SPAnswersquestions
We'll answer questions on a regular basis by publishing them in posts on this blog and then linking the post to you on ask.fm. By doing this we are able to educate and support others who may be experiencing similar concerns or interests as you, whilst ensuring your anonymity.

What can I ask about?
The focus of this project is to answer questions on sexuality, sex, gender & relationships. Some topics are suggested in the profiles of the advisors below. We will endevour to answer any questions you ask us, but where we aren't qualified to answer (e.g. medical/legal advice) we may signpost you to a resource or person who is better equipped to answer.
We're happy to take questions on identy in relation to sex(uality), gender and relationships e.g. 'How can I navigate impaired mobility within a ablenormative BDSM setting?' But for accounts of experiencing structural oppression on a day to day basis http://www.liberateyourself.co.uk is an excellent resource.

Who will answer my questions?
I'm glad you asked! A spectacular range of amazing individuals will answer your questions! This group will grow as/when your interests and the rate at which you ask questions changes.
If you would prefer a certain advisor answers your question, feel free to stipulate this on ask.fm.*

Hi, I’m K. I’m a polysexual genderqueer girl in a 24/7 power exchange relationship, in which I’m submissive. I’m strongly committed to intersectional feminism and love comics. Topics I’m especially happy to answer questions on include BDSM/kink, trans*- and/or queer-ness, feminism, and allyship - but I’ll also answer things that fall outside of those categories if I feel capable!

Hello, I'm Susuana, I am a heterosexual, demi-ace, cis-woman. I'll answer all reasonable questions the way best I can, no really personal stuff though.

I describe myself as a pseudopansexual genderqueer. My mother has Multiple Sclerosis, and my father has been absent since I was aged 9. I have Asperger's Syndrome and have always, in some way, expressed myself as queer. I am about to begin studying an MSc in Cognitive Neuroscience at Birkbeck College, University of London. I am a kinky (switch), slutty, poly, Christian queer, and an unpaid, indefatigable 24/7 feminist biatch.

Hi, I'm Alex. I'm 20, and I identify primarily as a Queer Guy, with a splash of grey asexuality. I'm a student, and I love to be busy. When considering a question I will always adopt an open minded, sex positive approach. I'm a fan of solution-based thinking, considering what is going right and projecting about how it can get better, that way specific answers will play to the individuals strengths and what they excel at, rather than what I am good at!

Hello, I’m Lucy. I’m a pansexual cis-woman currently in a long-term monogamous heterosexual relationship. I work in the travel industry and in my spare time I like to bake, play board games, and practise hairstyles that minimise my double-chin. I have two pet rats, a growing collection of dictionaries and I am a connoisseur of tea and biscuits. I’m happy to answer questions on relationships, including monogamy and cheating; sexuality; sex, including different methods and styles but also about communicating about sex with partners and others; sexual health, body image and body confidence, including fatphobia; feminism; drugs and alcohol; and most other reasonable questions. My approach to answering questions will come from a non-judgmental, honest and confidential position based on my own personal experiences and knowledge, and I’ll provide references to further information where I can. Looking forward to responding to questions!

Hello! I'm Anna. I'm a submissive queer poly trans woman with somewhat limited experience in "the kink scene", but will answer any questions I feel confident to answer to the best of my ability :)

Hi, I'm Pip. I'm a cis woman (and femme with tendancies to wear fake moustaches). I have experience with- lesbianism, bi*sexuality, heterosexuality, asexuality, polyamory, BDSM/kink, abstinence, sluthood and stone...ness. I'm happy to take questions on the above as well as liberation politics, feminism, fatphobia, masturbation, method, consent, sex positivity, body positivity, gender, (dis)ability and class. I like fruit tea, feminist porn, writing, collecting sex toys and my cuddling method can be defined as- cat.

Hi, I'm Ellie, I'm a genderqueer, pansexual, polyamorous, psychology student from Wales. I work at a swingers club, run sexual health campaigns and enjoy some BDSM/kink. I'm happy to take questions on these as best I can.

* Purposely offensive/oppressive questions or questions used to bully or intimidate individuals will not be published. They will not pass the moderation process and as such the advisors will not see them.

Sexy Sunday, Sex Positive Profiles- Girl on the Net

1. Name-
Girl on the Net - I'm anonymous so my real name's a secret
2. Occupation-
Again, it's secret. But publicly I'm a sex blogger and author.
3. How do you self define?-
I'm a straight woman, although I have occasionally forgotten the 'straight' part in the past when I've met particularly spectacular women. I still identify as straight, though, because my fantasies and cravings predominantly revolve around men.
4. What does the word sex mean to you?-
It means many different things to me, depending on the context. With some people it's inseparable from love, companionship, intimacy and knowledge of another person. But with others sex is like a fun game you play with a good friend. To me sex is something fun to do with someone you like - where 'like' can be anything from 'enjoy their company over a pint' to 'couldn't live without.'
5. What does the sex positive movement mean to you?-
It's all about love - understanding that love is one of the few things in the world that is truly universal: we all benefit from love, and we all strive to get it in one way or another. The sex positive movement is about understanding and embracing all of the different types of love that people feel and make, and celebrating them. I think the movement's got a long way to go before we get everyone doing the 'celebration' part, so at the moment I'll settle for us simply opening people's eyes to what's out there, and ensuring that people are never made to feel ashamed for their consensual sexual activities or desires.
6.
Sweet or savoury- Savoury - preferably cheese.
Book or film- Book.
Rainbow or glitter- Rainbow - glitter's a bit too scratchy.
Unicorns or dinasours-Dinosaurs.
The Smiths or The Clash- I don't know either of these bands - I'm very uncool.
Lights on or off -On
Candles or fairy lights- Candles
Cuddles or love letters- Love letters
Porn or Erotic literature-Porn
Online dating or set ups-Online dating
Cats or dogs-Cats
Spongebob or tigger-Tigger
7. What's your favourite sex posi resource?-
Twitter! I think there are so many great blogs and sites that if I only mentioned one I'd be doing the rest a disservice. Twitter is a great place to hear other people's experiences, ask questions and share your thoughts. I worry that the recent outbreak of trolling rage may have put some people off asking the questions they need to, or being honest about how they feel, but I think as long as you avoid being judgmental, Twitter is a fantastic place to learn about sex positivity.
8. Your perfect date? (If money were no object)-
Hmm... if money were no object I'd like to take a boy I know to somewhere remote and pretty, like Dartmoor. We'd go for a ten-mile hike, have sex somewhere out in the open with no one around, then hike back to a B&B where we'd shower off the rain and the sweat and the effort, then shag again on a bed with fresh sheets before getting pissed over an awesome meal and a few pints.
9. What was your sex ed like in school? Good points/bad points? Marks out of 10?-
It was comprehensive as far as the physical stuff was concerned - I lived in an area that had very high teen pregnancy rates and I think they did a pretty good job of explaining the literal ins and outs of sex, and how to avoid pregnancy/STIs. It really fell down on the emotional aspect, though, as well as information about relationships other than straight, traditional ones. No one ever taught us about the crucial things like consent, or the variety of sexual and emotional needs.
10. What's your wildest sexual experience?-
Hmm... it depends on what you count as wild. Probably the most porny was a scene I played in a fetish club with a few friends. We were in a caged-off room, being watched by a group of people. A few of the guys standing outside the room were masturbating furiously. I was bent over on a bed, a small blonde female friend was beating me with a leather crop, a lithe, brunette guy was holding me down while my boyfriend tugged at some nipple clamps I was wearing. It was intense, and terrifying, and delicious -mainly because I could hear the shuffling sounds of the wanking guys nearby.

11. At what age did you start masturbating?-
Twelve or thirteen - I remember having a bit of a 'eureka' moment as I read a dirty book I'd found at my Dad's house and rubbed my clit through my jeans.
12. What are your political views?-
Liberal, but not Liberal Democrat. I'm not a massive fan of the way politics is done in the UK at the moment, and party politics hacks me off. But if we could move towards a system where people were more engaged with politics, on a local and national level, and the impact of their choices was more apparent, I'd be happier.
13. Who is your sex idol?-
Pandora Blake. She's a fantastic spanking porn producer (and performer), with not only some excellent views on consent and how to portray it in porn, but also a genuinely delightful way with words.
14.
Love to- Be held down and fucked lying on my stomach, so that it's hard to breathe and hard to push back and hard to do anything other than moan with delight.
Sometimes will- Take the dominant role - if I'm feeling particularly confident.
Uncomfortable with- Post-sex cuddling. It's hot, dammit.
15. What is your sex motto?-
Easy on the foreplay, hard on the fucking.
16. What is your true passion in life?-
Writing. I love writing. I love the feeling you get when someone reads something you've written and says "wow, I liked that." Even better: "that was funny." In my dreams I'd like to make a living being an author. And in the wildest of all my dreams I'd like to be half as good an author as some of the other writers I admire.
17. You send one sex positive message out into the word in 7 words, what is it?-
"Someone else probably likes your kink too."
18. Do you believe everyone has a kink? If so what's yours? -
If you define kink as just 'something someone else might be surprised by' then definitely - I think each and every one of us enjoys or fantasises about something that might leave other people cold. It's all part of the beautiful complexity of human beings. My strongest kink (and I think I have a fair few) is my desire to be used. Even in relationships with guys I love deeply, the most erotic thing they can do is pretend they don't care about my pleasure and just want to use me as a receptacle to spunk into.
19. How do you define your relationship status at the moment?-
I'm in a relationship.
20. Where can we see more of you?-
I'm on twitter @girlonthenet, and I blog at www.girlonthenet.com. I've also got a book out, which is available on Amazon UK or Amazon US, and in a few other places too. If you're really interested, you can also find me on facebook.

What would your sex map look like?

Newsflash- diverse language to describe sexual preferences isn't limited to the queer community. Who'd have thought it?! Well, a lot of people actually.

In the world of queer I'm used to the discourse of sex. We have a wide and ever expanding set of terms we used to specicfy, negotiate and demonstrate how, who, why, where, what. (E.g. stone femme, stone butch, top, bottom, switch, pillow queen, spaghetti, barebacking, scissoring, rimming and on and on).

And why do we have this jargon? Well it's because we understand that sex isn't simply a do or don't. There's no formula, no plan, no rules to how someone can experience pleasure. The language is amazing and serves a really important purpose. Through it we can understand our friends, ourselves and our sexual partners' needs, wants and boundaries.

But is there a better way to communicate this? Would a diagram help? A nice little up front visual representation of the 'want will won't' system? A sex map!?

In an interview with Seattle Psychology Allena Gabosch stated that human sexuality is a 'globe'. That really struck me, it's an excellent metaphor. And it means we can all 'explore' (if we wish) the varied lands of sexuality, sexual preference and fetish/kink.

I didn't really think about this much more until I noticed (on a few OK Cupid profiles) links to a particular website where you can map your experiences, desires and boundaries. People had theirs right out there for prospective dates to see. And though obviously, open communication between sexual partners will never be replaced, the kink map could prosper where ego and sexual shame prevents communication.

Now, this version definitely isn't perfect. It only details kink and some of the acts it has on it are pretty gimmicky. And some I'd never heard of, for instance 'the jelly donut'. But it's a start. I'd love to see a version of this that takes into account not only fetish, but sexuality and relationships. There are some things I think shouldn't be on the map too, for instance the island of non-consent? (I'm not talking about agreeing to forgo consent and having a safe word). Non-consent isn't sex for any person involved.

That aside, the concept of the Human Sex Map is excellent. And it really demonstrates how diverse sexuality and sexual preference is. But would you be willing make yours public?

(If you have any queries, suggestions or funny pictures of cats please get in touch via facebook or by emailing me pipgeorgeson@gmail.com)