SPAnswers- g-spot orgasms, masturbation shame, and the possibility of poly.

How can you bring up polyamory within the context of a long term, so far monogamous relationship with minimum pain?

Ellie-I think the best thing to do is have an honest open discussion with your partner about how you feel. If they are shut off to the idea then it’s only fair not to push them into something that they don’t want. If they are willing to discuss or try it but aren’t sure they want to commit to the idea them perhaps start with some very clear rules, guidelines and promise that if they get uncomfortable it can be re-evaluated. I think the main thing is communication and honesty.

 I'm a person with a vagina and I'm confused about orgasms. Should I be striviing for a g spot orgasm? I've never had one but my current partner's ex did and they have kind of implied that a clitoral orgasm is a cop out.

 Ellie- Very few people actually have g-spot orgasms, and very few people without a vagina know this. Most people can only have clitoral orgasms, and most people who manage to orgasm during penetrative sex often only do due to the grinding of the clitoris against their partners that can happen. It’s not uncommon not to have had a g-spot orgasm, many people never will, and some might randomly one day during sex. You can’t know whether you ever will have a g-spot orgasm or not, but the orgasms you are having are not cope outs, and are 100% valid

K-There is nothing wrong or less valid about clitoral orgasms, and many many people with vaginas (myself included!) can’t have g-spot orgasms. I personally feel it’s not worth the effort of trying to find an elusive g-spot orgasm when I already know how to have a great clitoral one, but if you feel a g-spot orgasm might be better for you, or is something you want to have, then by all means try to achieve it. Don’t worry if you can’t have them though, or if you just don’t really want to - your clitoral orgasms are just fine! When it comes to your orgasms, go for what YOU want, not what your partner thinks you should be doing

I feel ashamed when I masturbate (I'm a woman). Is this common?

Ellie- This is very very common. As someone who is very open about sex myself, and the fact that I enjoy sex, I very very rarely masturbate simply because I feel ashamed of it. I wish I didn’t. I often feel like a bad feminist for feeling ashamed of it, but unfortunately women aren’t always taught that it’s an acceptable and normal part of sexuality. It’s common but not something you should have to feel. If you can get over the feelings of shame then go for it, and have fun, if you can’t then it’s not your fault. There are even really cute apps designed to help you feel more normal about masturbating, and encouraging more women to feel comfortable doing it! http://happyplaytime.com/.../female-masturbation-app.../

Pip- It's really common! The thing about sexual shame is that it's not just something limited to conservative communities or religious ones, but because we're socialized amongst and into these things, it effects us too. Sometimes, experiencing sexual shame can make me people feel like their letting the team down, or they're 'not really' feminist or sex positive. But feminism and sex positivity aren't about never feeling internalized sexual shame or misogyny, they're about a remedy to those things, they're about recognizing the causes for them. My advice is 

1. allow yourself to feel ashamed. Let this be OK, for now. Stressing yourself out or berating yourself for feeling ashamed isn't going to improve the situation. 

2. start to re-negotiate your relationship to your genitals and masturbation. This could be by setting some time aside to speak to a councillor, or writing a list of all the reasons masturbation is a positive thing for your body, I suggest looking at some of Dodson and Ross' videos and articles. http://dodsonandross.com/, they even have this handy play list for overcoming shame- http://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL1VSgNiiZCLHKpKMDodzTMffPDarcUAOK

3. work up to seducing yourself. Like any sex lif, the one you have with yourself is susceptible to becoming stale or repetitive. If you feel you can make the time and you're ready to spend some time simply exploring your body then go for it. Light some candles, dress up, watch, read, or listen to something that makes you feel sexual. 
Most importantly, remember that whatever you do is fine. You can masturbate or not, orgasm or not, share your body sexually or not. This is not about how you 'should' feel, it's about how you want to feel. 



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Sexy Sunday, Sex Positive Profiles- Girl on the Net

1. Name-
Girl on the Net - I'm anonymous so my real name's a secret
2. Occupation-
Again, it's secret. But publicly I'm a sex blogger and author.
3. How do you self define?-
I'm a straight woman, although I have occasionally forgotten the 'straight' part in the past when I've met particularly spectacular women. I still identify as straight, though, because my fantasies and cravings predominantly revolve around men.
4. What does the word sex mean to you?-
It means many different things to me, depending on the context. With some people it's inseparable from love, companionship, intimacy and knowledge of another person. But with others sex is like a fun game you play with a good friend. To me sex is something fun to do with someone you like - where 'like' can be anything from 'enjoy their company over a pint' to 'couldn't live without.'
5. What does the sex positive movement mean to you?-
It's all about love - understanding that love is one of the few things in the world that is truly universal: we all benefit from love, and we all strive to get it in one way or another. The sex positive movement is about understanding and embracing all of the different types of love that people feel and make, and celebrating them. I think the movement's got a long way to go before we get everyone doing the 'celebration' part, so at the moment I'll settle for us simply opening people's eyes to what's out there, and ensuring that people are never made to feel ashamed for their consensual sexual activities or desires.
6.
Sweet or savoury- Savoury - preferably cheese.
Book or film- Book.
Rainbow or glitter- Rainbow - glitter's a bit too scratchy.
Unicorns or dinasours-Dinosaurs.
The Smiths or The Clash- I don't know either of these bands - I'm very uncool.
Lights on or off -On
Candles or fairy lights- Candles
Cuddles or love letters- Love letters
Porn or Erotic literature-Porn
Online dating or set ups-Online dating
Cats or dogs-Cats
Spongebob or tigger-Tigger
7. What's your favourite sex posi resource?-
Twitter! I think there are so many great blogs and sites that if I only mentioned one I'd be doing the rest a disservice. Twitter is a great place to hear other people's experiences, ask questions and share your thoughts. I worry that the recent outbreak of trolling rage may have put some people off asking the questions they need to, or being honest about how they feel, but I think as long as you avoid being judgmental, Twitter is a fantastic place to learn about sex positivity.
8. Your perfect date? (If money were no object)-
Hmm... if money were no object I'd like to take a boy I know to somewhere remote and pretty, like Dartmoor. We'd go for a ten-mile hike, have sex somewhere out in the open with no one around, then hike back to a B&B where we'd shower off the rain and the sweat and the effort, then shag again on a bed with fresh sheets before getting pissed over an awesome meal and a few pints.
9. What was your sex ed like in school? Good points/bad points? Marks out of 10?-
It was comprehensive as far as the physical stuff was concerned - I lived in an area that had very high teen pregnancy rates and I think they did a pretty good job of explaining the literal ins and outs of sex, and how to avoid pregnancy/STIs. It really fell down on the emotional aspect, though, as well as information about relationships other than straight, traditional ones. No one ever taught us about the crucial things like consent, or the variety of sexual and emotional needs.
10. What's your wildest sexual experience?-
Hmm... it depends on what you count as wild. Probably the most porny was a scene I played in a fetish club with a few friends. We were in a caged-off room, being watched by a group of people. A few of the guys standing outside the room were masturbating furiously. I was bent over on a bed, a small blonde female friend was beating me with a leather crop, a lithe, brunette guy was holding me down while my boyfriend tugged at some nipple clamps I was wearing. It was intense, and terrifying, and delicious -mainly because I could hear the shuffling sounds of the wanking guys nearby.

11. At what age did you start masturbating?-
Twelve or thirteen - I remember having a bit of a 'eureka' moment as I read a dirty book I'd found at my Dad's house and rubbed my clit through my jeans.
12. What are your political views?-
Liberal, but not Liberal Democrat. I'm not a massive fan of the way politics is done in the UK at the moment, and party politics hacks me off. But if we could move towards a system where people were more engaged with politics, on a local and national level, and the impact of their choices was more apparent, I'd be happier.
13. Who is your sex idol?-
Pandora Blake. She's a fantastic spanking porn producer (and performer), with not only some excellent views on consent and how to portray it in porn, but also a genuinely delightful way with words.
14.
Love to- Be held down and fucked lying on my stomach, so that it's hard to breathe and hard to push back and hard to do anything other than moan with delight.
Sometimes will- Take the dominant role - if I'm feeling particularly confident.
Uncomfortable with- Post-sex cuddling. It's hot, dammit.
15. What is your sex motto?-
Easy on the foreplay, hard on the fucking.
16. What is your true passion in life?-
Writing. I love writing. I love the feeling you get when someone reads something you've written and says "wow, I liked that." Even better: "that was funny." In my dreams I'd like to make a living being an author. And in the wildest of all my dreams I'd like to be half as good an author as some of the other writers I admire.
17. You send one sex positive message out into the word in 7 words, what is it?-
"Someone else probably likes your kink too."
18. Do you believe everyone has a kink? If so what's yours? -
If you define kink as just 'something someone else might be surprised by' then definitely - I think each and every one of us enjoys or fantasises about something that might leave other people cold. It's all part of the beautiful complexity of human beings. My strongest kink (and I think I have a fair few) is my desire to be used. Even in relationships with guys I love deeply, the most erotic thing they can do is pretend they don't care about my pleasure and just want to use me as a receptacle to spunk into.
19. How do you define your relationship status at the moment?-
I'm in a relationship.
20. Where can we see more of you?-
I'm on twitter @girlonthenet, and I blog at www.girlonthenet.com. I've also got a book out, which is available on Amazon UK or Amazon US, and in a few other places too. If you're really interested, you can also find me on facebook.